The Diary of Tifa Lockhart
by True Essence
Summary: The title may change: Tifa waits up for Cloud one night to discover that why he's been so distant lately. Now she feels that she must confront him about it but maybe he kept it a secret for a reason.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** I just had the urge so I wrote it, not sure how long it's going to be or anything but that might depend on you guys. It's set before Advent Children, it might just be four chapters, nothing serious. If it's confusing that's because my knowledge of FF is limited, I've seen the movie and the movie cut parts from the game, I'm not a gamer though I wish I was. So sorry about that :)

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anyone here, belongs to Square Enix.

The Diary of Tifa Lockhart

Dear Diary,

Well, I have a new one. A new book I mean, I filled up my last journal so I had to invest in a new one, and ironically, Cloud got it for me. The reason I say it's ironic is because well… it oddly reminds me of the one I sent him back when he was training to be a SOLDIER. Back when we were teenagers. Seems so long ago. It was wrapped up and everything so he might have forgotten but still… it kind of makes me sad that he never used it, it'd be nice to have, to read to help patch up those memories that he lost. I know he doesn't like talking about stuff like that, he doesn't like talking at all really, definitely not about himself... he has to know that this isn't… well normal. I'm supportive of course, we weren't the best of friends back at home but I still thought of him as a friend, kind of. He's changed so much since then of course, I guess that's expected when he went to Midgar for training to be in SOLDIER only to be kidnapped by Professor Hojo and experimented on for four years. But I have too.

I wish I knew Zack Fair the way Cloud knew him. I remember him being a flirt but I didn't pay him attention, my job was to show them around Nibelheim not flirt with them, but I wish I knew him enough to understand why Cloud became him. It was hard for me to understand it then, I mean after not hearing from him and trying to assure his mother he wasn't dead and then suddenly seeing him again, he was so different. There was no way that he really changed that much. Turned out, he was Zack in his mind. Well… anyway, something is going on with him. He does his deliveries as usual and he helps out around the bar but something isn't right. He's been gone for three days now and I've been optimistic that he'll come back but I'm not sure if he will this time. He's hardly really here, he'll be here but throughout the day he'll just be gone, I never know where he goes but he always returned really late in the night. Maybe I'm overreacting; maybe he just goes for a ride clear his head and think. I've been writing the same thing for a while now but it's noticeable. For me anyway.

When he is here, he's distant, it started maybe-

**Chapter 1**

"Tifa! The phone's ringing and Denzel needs me" Tifa looked hearing the young girl she watched call out to her, she didn't hear the phone, waiting a moment, she stuck her pen in her book before heading up the stairs to his small little office to answer the phone.

"Hello?" Silence. She furrowed her brow waiting "Cloud? Is that you?" Nothing. He never made a sound even when he was just breathing. It always amazed her just how quiet the blond could be. "Are you coming home tonight?"

It came out as a whisper; he's done it a few times now. Just leave without saying anything, not bothering to call or write a note; he'd go off for a delivery and then not come back, it has become a pattern and if he does it again this time, it would be the fourth time in the past two months but who knows how long it would be this time. In the past, it's only been a week or so but he's never called before… what if this time… it was going to be for much longer? That's how Denzel came into their life because Cloud just left. Not that she regretted ever meeting the eight year old boy.

_She'd been moving around aimlessly waiting for someone to come through that door, hell she'd even take Reno and Rude… well actually no she wouldn't. It'd been a quiet day at 7__th__ Heaven Bar and it was really beginning to get to her, Barret was going to be showing up today with Marlene later and she honestly couldn't wait. The little girl was the sister she never had and she was always more than happy to watch her while her father went off to work in the Mines or whatever it was that he did when not working with AVALANCHE. _

_Pacing never did her any good; it just made her mind concoct all sorts of things. Cloud didn't come back on Wednesday, he took a delivery out and never came back, it's been two days and he hadn't called or anything. Being alone in the bar was slightly terrifying only because she was so used to be people always being around, it was just too weird._

_RING!_

_Wine colored eyes dashed for the phone on the counter behind the bar, hopefully it was Barret saying he was closer than he thought with Marlene, or maybe it was Yuffie, she could deal with the ninja today, or… it was a long shot but maybe it was… Cloud? Looking at the caller ID she saw his name appear. Stunned she just stared as it rang. How odd, he never called. Maybe he was hurt, did his bike break down? Was he calling to check in? To tell her was coming back tonight? So many things ran through her mind that when she finally snapped out of it and picked up the phone with a quick hello! He hung up._

"_Damn" so she dialed again. She picked at the utility belt at the front of her clothing hoping he would respond this time. Three rings. She counted. Then a click "Cloud?" She had to calm her nerves "What a surprise, you never call. Is something wrong? Are you coming home?" The last part she whispered, not really expecting a positive answer._

"_Uh…" the sound was small and she frowned._

"_Cloud?" Something wasn't right, finally the voice on the other line spoke and it wasn't her friend_

"_Uh no ma'am" she asked who it was and why they had Cloud's phone. The brunette knew that Cloud never really answered his phone, he never called but he never left it behind, it was always in one of his many pockets. So how did this… child get it? Did something happen to Cloud? "I don't know"_

"_Who is this?" Her heart began to pound as she gripped the edge of the bar, this person; he had to be a child, a scared child. Where was Cloud?_

"_I don't know, please, I don't know what to do. I can't do this." Her eyes widened. She didn't know what to do, how to help. If only she knew where Cloud was she could find her way there and find this child who clearly was afraid of something, she thought she heard him sniffle_

"_Hey… are you crying?" Dumb question. She then heard pained sounds, gasps and moans of pain. Fearing the worse she began to shout into the phone "Hello! Are you okay!? CLOUD! Cloud if you are there pick up the phone!"_

_Nothing. She stood there with baited breath hoping that this child would pick himself up and continue speaking with her, she could probably find out more if she could just get him talking again. Cloud… where are you?_

"_Hey? Are you okay?" _

_Now that voice she knew. It sounded close and she heard soft, deep whispers of encouragement and reassurance and in spite of the fear she felt, she smiled. "Cloud? It's Tifa please pickup"_

"_Tifa? How- d-did, did you call me? I must have left my phone on Fenrir"_

"_That's alright. The child, is he okay?" It was silent for a moment, Cloud either clammed back up as usual or he was observing the child. She really hoped it was the latter. _

"_He's sick…"_

"_Geostigma?" It came out as a whisper but a lot of the children in Edge had it, she wished she could do more than give them blankets and food if she could spare it but sometimes resources were limited and people who were free of it were afraid of contracting it. The people and children who had it were treated like lepers. She heard him confirm and without hesitation she responded "Bring him back here."_

"_Tifa… he might have family out here somewhere."_

"_Where is here exactly Cloud?"_

_Silence but she waited. "Sector 5" Well now she knew where he was going, or assumed where he was going when he never came home, it almost made her want to cry that he would prefer…shaking away her thoughts she swallowed _

"_He'll be safer here, also, we can care for him until he's better and we can better help find any family he has from here. It's not safe for him to stay there, just please bring him back Cloud. He called me…" that was all she said but he hung up without an answer. Tifa leaned back against the counter and folded her arms in thought, Cloud was in Sector 5… _her _church was in Sector 5. Not that the woman had negative feelings towards her old friend, it was just hard getting over her death, her absence and Cloud was taking it harder than anyone but it's been two years. He has to move on eventually. _

_Two hours later, barely, she heard the roar of Fenrir. She would know that engine anywhere, climbing off her bed, she ran down the stairs towards the back door knowing he would have parked back there. When she saw the boy leaning forward against Cloud's back, with his small hand being held tightly by the blond's glove clad one made her freeze. His hand was shaking._

"_Are you… is he…?"_

"_He was shaking" he said his voice gentle and deep, floating through her as it always did. She moved back opening the door further as he lifted the boy into his arms walking past her into the bar. Tifa walked behind him, her scarlet eyes never leaving the boy's face. He had to be about eight or nine years old, not much older than Marlene._

_Cloud laid him on Marlene's bed and Tifa immediately went to work. She pushed his brown hair from his face spotting the black smudge of the stigma clinging to his forehead, she instructed the older man to get a bowl of warm water with a cloth and put on a pot of tea. Once he left, she removed the boy's worn out shoes putting them on the floor, he must have been walking for a long time or just wandering around Sector 5. She thanked Cloud when he returned with the bowl, she dabbed the cloth on his face, wiping away the tear tracks, the dirt, and the grime and gingerly touched the stigma._

"_Did he ever speak to you after hanging up with me?"_

"_No, he could barely stand or hold on to me." _

"_Thank you for bringing him."_

_He didn't say anything; she heard the door close behind her. Maybe she should try to get him to talk to her again, what could it possibly hurt? After making sure the boy was situated in the bed she slipped out and found Cloud in their shared room removing his sword harness. Tifa stood in the door frame_

"_Are you going to be leaving again?"_

"_Has anyone called about a delivery?"_

_She let out a sigh and rubbed her forehead lowering her eyes. Deflecting, that was his specialty. Moving further into the room she shook her head a few strands of her brown hair falling into her face. When he turned around, she was caught by the glow of his stunning blue eyes, how they fit perfectly into his angled pale and handsome face that was always framed by that unruly yet beautiful blond hair. It always amazed her how it always defied gravity even when they were kids, Cloud may have been a strange and quiet child but he was always beautiful. He tilted his head to the side in question but she only moved forward and forced him into a hug, she felt him tense in her arms but she held on. _

"_Tifa…"_

"_I really wish you'd talk to me…" He made a noise of discomfort but she ignored it and held on. "We're friends aren't we?"_

"_Tifa…"_

"_Cloud"_

"_Yes, we're friends."_

"_Then why don't you ever tell me what's going on with you?" Silence. Pulling back, she looked to him, he wasn't that much taller than her so she didn't have to look far but he always looked distant, after defeating Sephiroth, Aerith's death and coming to terms with Zack's death, or so she thought he did, he was just distant. Maybe that boy in the other room would make him stick around since Cloud was the only familiar face._

"Cloud?"

"Tonight" Click.

Tifa let out a sigh; although the conversation barely started at least she got what she wanted out of it. Resting the phone on the hook, she couldn't help but to smile before checking in on Marlene and Denzel then she began working to make dinner. It was always good for her to have food waiting for him, every night there was a covered plate with his name on it in the refrigerator with her hope that he would show up in the middle of the night, eat it, clean his dishes as he always did and come to bed. She always knew because she would feel him next to her, she always knew when he snuck into the bar, he was quiet but she knew.

Marlene eventually joined her at the bar, Tifa smiled to the beautiful girl with her large brown eyes, and long ponytail that really resembled Aerith's own hairstyle including the large pink bow.

"What is the prognosis Doctor?"

"He's sleeping, still in pain but I keep the warm cloth on his forehead and it helps with the pain sometimes but I think it's getting worse." Tifa worked hard to keep her face from betraying her feelings in front of Marlene as not to worry her "What if… we're not going to lose him right Tifa?"

"No honey, we're not" she said finally facing her with a small smile. Marlene always knew though but this time she just nodded

"Is Cloud coming home tonight?" She nodded with a much larger smile and the six year old's entire face lit up. Cloud had no idea the effect he had on the people here, Denzel admired him so much, loved him so much just as Marlene did. "Yes! I've missed him, did he say when?"

"No, he only said tonight." Marlene nodded accepting that answer and she set to work helping Tifa cook dinner.

That night Tifa lay in her bed, it was thirty minutes till midnight and he still hadn't come yet. Marlene was still hopeful she noticed, the young girl continuously looking at the door while she ate her dinner, eventually though she helped Tifa clean up before going back upstairs to her shared room with Denzel. She brushed her fingers through her dark hair before allowing herself to drift off to sleep.

She jerked awake hearing the roar of Fenrir, her wine colored eyes found the clock, it was ten after midnight and she frowned. He was late. Sitting up, she listened for him, the backdoor opened and closed barely making a noise, and Tifa heard him open the fridge and smiled. Good, at least he decided to eat. Waiting, she knew he'd eventually join her in their shared room but she remained still so he wouldn't realize she was awake but Tifa was always awake when he came home like this. Listening she heard him remove his harness, glancing over her shoulder she realized he must have left First Tsurugi behind the bar again and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes, she always scolded him for leaving that thing there. It was dangerous but she never worried, no one but Cloud can lift that thing. Once she was looking she couldn't look away, Tifa watched as the blond removed his black leather gloves and his black zip up turtleneck and it was then she noticed he added a sleeve to the left arm, her brows furrowed. What was that for? He pulled the shirt off and her eyes scanned the span of his back and her breath caught and she turned away closing her eyes feeling her cheeks burn.

_I'm lying in bed and spying on him and he thinks I'm sleep… ugh I'm such a creeper. _The bed dipped next to her and she immediately felt his warmth. Cloud usually never slept under the covers, the Mako in his blood kept him relatively warm and it was enough to warm Tifa at night that she never found herself shivering when he was in bed.

"Good Night Tifa" she heard him mutter, she didn't move not sure if he knew she was awake or not but it wasn't long before he was asleep. Letting out a silent sigh, she rolled over and looked at him; he was on his back, his right arm covering his eyes… Cloud…what have you been doing? Have you been running back to Sector 5 again? Her eyes found his left arm, it was bandaged but instead of blood staining the white bandage there was something else, Tifa stared not wanting to touch him but she had to know what it was.

"Nnng" She jumped at the sound of pain escaping his lips, the muscles in arms tensed and his face contorted into one of pain. Tifa sat up and watched him prepared to wake him up if it continued but it went away as quickly as it came and then she knew.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **Yay me! I finally figured out where I want to go with this. I'm not going to recount the events in Advent Children but when it ends, it'll end on the last maybe 30 minutes of the movie with an expansion. I don't think the ending was bad or anything, in fact I love the ending but I kind of wish (since I started liking FFVII because of the movie) that we got to see what happened between Cloud and Tifa. Just my thoughts.

I hope this is good. Please read and review! Let me know if it makes sense or not! Be nice please.

Disclaimer: Same old same old.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Maybe I should stop writing 'dear diary' I feel like I'm still a teenager. But how would I open up my entries? Maybe something like 'journal entry' or… hell I don't know. Anyway, it's another morning entry. I woke up this morning and Cloud wasn't in bed. He's not gone, not yet anyway. When I woke up I kind of freaked out thinking that he left and I didn't hear the shower or even Fenrir start up. I jumped out of the bed and ran down the stairs in my pajamas and froze. There he was, sitting with Marlene and Denzel at the bar eating scrambled eggs, toast and bacon. They weren't talking or anything but the fact that he was sitting with them, that Denzel was out of bed and looked better than he has in the past couple weeks, it made me very happy. I stood there for a moment and just watched them. Although Denzel and Cloud aren't blood related, it's almost like they're the same person sometimes. Denzel eats the same way Cloud does, maybe it's just because he wants to be just like him. Yeah, that makes more sense than anything.

Something else that's important. I haven't said anything to him yet but… I think Cloud has geostigma. While I was looking at him last night, I'm not a creeper; I noticed the bandage on his left arm after noticing the added black sleeve to his clothing. I wanted to see what it was because it wasn't bleeding; there was no trace of blood unless blood has suddenly turned black. He then reacted in the same way that Denzel does when he's having one of the "episodes", I guess they could be called that, I'm not sure what they really are. Cloud being who he is, hardly made a sound. Even in sleep he tries to keep his pain inside. I really wish he would tell me. I bet if Aerith was still alive he'd tell her…

**Chapter 2**

Tifa stared at the page of her journal for a moment realizing what she just wrote. Running a hand through her hair she slipped her pen back in the pages and closed it sticking it back in its hiding place. She would never erase or cross through anything she said in there, it was specifically for her and her feelings, it always has been. Although she felt bad for her negative feelings that surfaced when thinking about her passed friend, and certain blond she couldn't help but to feel them. Tifa, thinking about it now, wondered if Aerith liked Cloud because he was Cloud or because he reminded her of Zack. Over the last couple of years, she knew that she liked Cloud as himself and not as Zack Fair. That last memory was from when they were barely teenagers. Her mind wandered back to when she and Cloud sat atop the Water Tower

"_Cloud? It's kind of dangerous up here… where are you?"_

"_Over here Tifa. Hold onto the railing, be careful. I don't want your dad to think that I'm purposely trying to hurt you"_

_Tifa's wine colored eyes focused on the bright blond hair of her friend as she made her way over to where he was sitting. His legs dangled over the edge of the platform and he rested his arms on the second level of the railing, he was taller now but not by much. She could recall many of the times when he was teased or beat up because of his height but Cloud has always been a constant person. Never a quitter and she always admired him for that. She took a seat next to him her legs dangling just as his were_

"_So why are we up here? You're note didn't say anything other than to meet you" _

"_I'm going to go to Midgar; I'm going to join SOLDIER." Tifa looked to him surprise etched all over her face but his large blue eyes continued to stare over their small village. She willed him to look at her but he never did. _

"_But Cloud, you're only thirteen…"_

"_I'll turn fourteen before I go out there, so I'll be old enough to register to become a cadet. I don't want to stay here Tifa. I want to be a hero like General Sephiroth. When I come back… I'll be a SOLDIER." _

_There was clear determination in his voice; it seemed much deeper than she remembered. She wondered why he was telling her this; she never thought that he considered her a friend considering how she never really talked to him in the past, even though they've been neighbors forever. The wind picked up and blew, she watched him as her dark hair swirled around her. The gravity defying blond spikes blew as well but never seemed to lose their uniqueness by falling. She had to admit, they always amazed her. _

"_You promise?" he finally turned to look at her; she sucked in a breath at the sight of his eyes. Intensity blossomed in them. He asked her what she meant "Promise me that you'll come back"_

_He smiled "I promise"_

"_Promise me that you'll protect me if ever I'm in trouble" Cloud's eyes widened at her words but he nodded._

"_I promise. I'll always protect you."_

That was the Cloud she last remembered before he left for Midgar, she was there when he left but their goodbyes had been short. Even though they met up again in Nibelhiem when he returned with Sephiroth and Zack, he kept his identity a secret until she was barely alive. After that… she shook her head. _You've got to stop dwelling in the past. How can you expect to help Cloud move on if you keep thinking of the past? _Letting out a breath, she stood from the bed and went to put on her usual black ensemble. Cloud insisted that he would take care of opening the bar so she could take her time getting ready, she tried to argue with him but he didn't say a word, his Mako infused eyes said enough.

She walked down into the bar, there he was again, she was still expecting to look up and not see him anywhere but there he was. He was serving the small amount of people who ventured into the bar. Tifa winked at Marlene and Denzel who were sitting at the bar coloring in one of the little girl's books, she leaned on the bar and whispered to the kids

"How was breakfast?"

"Great! I didn't know that Cloud was coming home" Denzel said his blue eyes sparkling and it almost made the woman cry. Marlene looked at the blond as he spoke in low tones to a large man sitting in one of the corners "I didn't see him until this morning. Why didn't anyone tell me last night?"

"He didn't come home until really early this morning. I wasn't going to wake either of you up besides; Cloud wouldn't have liked that if I did."

"How long is he staying this time?" Tifa frowned at the little boy's question. She had no idea just how long he planned on sticking around, Marlene picked at her braid that hung over her shoulder

"I think he's going to stay for a little while, besides, he asked Denzel how he was this morning and though Denzel said he was okay, Cloud knows better. We all do so he's going to stay, he has too" Denzel made a face at Marlene's revelation. Tifa stood straight and watched her friend as he brought the tray back towards them, today he still wore black but not his usual outfit.

"Hey" She said and he only nodded "Thanks for opening up. You didn't have too"

"I had to make up for coming back so late. I- got delayed a bit on the road. Sorry"

Tifa gave him an encouraging smile, her eyes falling for the briefest moment to his arm. He wore a long sleeve shirt but she knew what hid beneath that left sleeve, and she was tempted to take him aside and ask about it until it turned into annoying prodding.

"It's alright. How long are you going to stay?"

Cloud turned his head glancing at the children playfully fighting over what color to use on the drawing's hair and a small sound escaped his lips. Tifa longed to hear a laugh, to see a smile, something that would make him seem… content and not regretful. At first she was thinking that he wasn't going to say a word but he finally spoke

"For a bit" With that, he turned and walked away.

.

.

.

.

Dear Diary,

It's been a week and Cloud is still here! No words can explain how happy I am that he's stuck around. Sure, a few times he's taken Fenrir out for a drive and I'm sure I know where he's going. To her church but like I said, I'm not angry or anything. I guess a part of me is slightly jealous… damn, I can't believe I just admitted that. I just wish that he'd trust me. I know about the stigma and I've been waiting patiently for him to tell me but nothing. I should know that he's not going to say anything, why would he? Denzel's has gotten worse. When Cloud's here he locks himself in his office sitting at that desk, flipping through book after book and speaking in low tones to people on the phone. I'm not sure what he's doing because he never talks about it and I respect him enough not to go snooping however… I might just go and take a peek…

Tifa closed her journal and hid it in its normal space before tiptoeing out of her room. Marlene and Denzel were in their room watching the television so she wouldn't catch their attention, Cloud said he would run to the store so she had her time to go and see just what he was working on. The young woman touched the wood of his office door, usually it's open but he's been keeping it closed. Letting out a nervous breath, she went to turn the knob but noticed it was slightly cracked, if she hadn't been paying attention she wouldn't have noticed. Frowning, Tifa pushed on the door slightly, she knew he was gone… did he leave the door open? That's careless even for him. Peeking inside, she tilted her head to the side seeing a large pink bow occupant reading a piece of paper on his desk.

"Marlene?" The young girl jumped and turned around her eyes wide with shame. She lowered her head and Tifa opened the door wider. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry Tifa. I didn't mean to sneak in Cloud's room, I just wanted to see if he was going to leave again soon" tears welled up in her eyes "I don't want him too"

"Me either sweetie" She held her arms open for her. Once comforted, Marlene pulled back and Tifa ushered her from the room. "Let's just remember… if the door is closed then he doesn't want us inside okay?"

The young girl nodded and Tifa rubbed the back of her neck. Well, she had to take her own advice. Glancing back at the door, she shook her head and went back to the bar, he should be back soon.

Cloud and Tifa worked together to refill the refrigerator with the groceries he graciously went out and bought. They both were silent. Tifa really wanted to ask him if he was alright, if he was going to stay longer than the week. She wanted to know about the stigma, she wanted to know if he was going to tell her himself that he's been going to Sector 5, or tell her where exactly he's been living when he wasn't in Edge staying in Seventh Heaven. More than once, she found herself watching him.

"Tifa what's going on?"

She jumped at his low tones; she hadn't even realized she was looking for that long. But he noticed everything. Even though he never really was a SOLDIER, he still held on to all of his training and probably some of Zack's moves.

"W-what?"

"You're staring at me again"

"Again? You mean that I do it a lot?" he faced her with an eyebrow raised and Tifa sighed "Sorry, it's just that because you've been gone for so long that I guess I miss you" she watched as he lowered his head hiding his lips behind the neck of his black turtleneck.

"About that, I want you to understand that I just- I just can't seem to…" Wine colored eyes focused on his face, she wished he would look up at her. _Stop looking away from me! Stop avoiding me! Cloud I'm right here! Please look at me._

"Can't seem to what?"

"I can't do what you want and need me too. All I'm good for is buying the groceries" Tifa put her hands on his shoulders. Once he got started it'd be hard to snap him out of that self pitying funk. "Tifa…"

"Stop it." She snapped softly forcing him into a hug once more just as she did the first time he left. "That's not true and you know it's not. We need you here because we're a family, I don't know what you think"

"Am I interrupting?" Tifa pulled back, red and black filling in her eyesight. Their friend stood before them in his usual long red and tattered cloak, black pants, golden gauntlet claw and long black hair. Cloud shook his head causing Tifa to frown before facing their friend most mistook for a vampire.

"Something wrong Vincent?" Tifa asked her voice slightly betraying her irritation for him actually interrupting what could have been a very tender moment between her and the man she… she loved.

"I just wanted to check in. It's been a long time since I've come through then I noticed Fenrir out back so I thought it'd be rude of me not to say hello"

Cloud and Vincent ended up having their own conversation. Tifa watched from her place behind the bar, she was slightly frustrated at the stolen moment but the pale man was their friend and he deserved to be able to see Cloud before he disappeared again. The brunette just hoped that she would be able to speak intimately with him before that happened, they had a lot to talk about.

.

.

.

.

Dear Diary,

Cloud's gone.


End file.
